Email: South America on a Shoestring

danapalamara@tiscali.co.uk
To:
Cc:
Subject: South America On A Shoestring
Send: Tue, 9 Nov 2004 20:57:27 +0100

Hello all

(Serap and Daniela, - I´ve lost your email address - can someone forward
please)
Well, we’ve finally come to the end of our little tour of South America.
We leave San Diago for Easter Island tomorrow. Easter Island is officially
still Chile, but it’s so far into the Pacific that I’m not counting it as
South America. Lots of big heads there apparently.

It’s only been nine weeks but we’ve managed to get a good taster of the
place. Here’s my notes so far.

TOILETS and SHOWERS:
Venezuela: Glastonbury skills definitely required in all areas. Especially
in Los Roques after Hurricane Ivan has just hit and the whole island is
knee deep in sewerage. Nice.

Peru. Legs getting stronger and balancing becoming easier. Altitude sickness
does not help my cause. Clean toilet paper does not exist but overflowing
basket-fulls of pooh covered paper seems to be a constant. Start to think
that Glastonbury isn’t so bad at all. Hot water?? What?? You want Agua Caliente?
Bloody Gringos. It’s only minus 15 degrees. No agua calienta here amigo.
We have tin-fulls of out of date evaporated milk for your coffee though...makes
you shit good no??

Bolivia. As well as having the highest valley, capital city, frozen lakes,
geysers etc in the world, Bolivia also has the highest toilets and showers
in the world. 4900 meters high. Either behind a rock or in a hole in an
open bathroom for unisex use with no shower curtain.

Toilets are really simple here. Just a pot. Not connected to anything. Or the restaurant’s back yard. Steady on now. That wind is bloody strong.

Agua caliente? Why si Senorita. It’s minus 22 degrees here we have hot water 24h hours a day! Never trust Bolivian hostel owners. There is not a drip of agua caliente
in the country. And even if there were. You would need to freeze, stark
bollock naked in front of 20 other back packers, the hotel staff, the rest
of the village, 15 llamas and a couple of vicunas. Stars and moon are really
bright at night though so you have great views while you try not to pooh
on your shoe.

Chile. Hurrah!!! Civilisation! Toilets that flush!!! Toilets that have loo
roll in them! Clean loo roll in them. And it’s soft too. Not that crunchy
stuff you got at school. Although it will cost you 1,000 pesos of course.
Ah come on Gringa. You can afford these extortionate prices. Why you’ve
just paid 2,500 pesos for a cup of coffee made of shite powdered Nescafe,
so surely you are happy to pay to sit on the loo! Agua caliente? Why si!
Of course. It’s hot and sunny here. What else would you expect?

There you go. My life through pooh.

Now for the real pooh:
Venezuela. Don’t want to go there. Guns going off. A villain out to get
you at every turn. No respect for human life they say. Peru?? Sorry, can’t
insure you there. Way too unstable madam. Bolivia?? Are you mad?? They are
all coke fuelled, gringo murdering nutcases. Now Chile, they’re fine there.
All law abiding citizens as honest as the day is long....

Beware of chirpy Chilean hotel owners. Definitely do not question why
they have decided to double the price of your room after a few hours. They
explode, tell you in no uncertain terms to fuck off and chase you off their
property with a huge plank of wood! You will need the good will of good
Chilean people to escort you back into the building to get your bags.

Do not carry a mobile phone in San Diago. Teenage girls will swipe it from
under your nose in a jiffy.

So, there you go. No photos attached this time I’m afraid. Some honest
as the day is long Chilean is looking through them in the Plaza De Armas
as we speak.

I have lost all your numbers and am now denied the pleasure of getting your
text messages.

We’ve loved Chile by the way. Just not so keen on mad hotel owners and
mobile phone thieves. The wine here is LUSH. As are most of the Chileans.
And the showers are bloody great.

Can’t believe that bastard Bush got back in.

John Peel. Bless you. You rock.

Until the next time. Love and hugs.

Dxxxxxx